dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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