I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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