I wish my penis had an off switch
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
is wine microwaveable?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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