I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
