I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
