so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
