Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
