I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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