Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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