then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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