i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
