Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
