Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
