just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
