Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
