Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
