I am puke
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
