I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
