I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
