You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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