my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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