you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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