Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
