The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
