well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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