I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
