Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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