I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i love accidental penises.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I stole a fireplace last night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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