If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
