I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
