Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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