My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just found a bag of teeth...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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