I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
