You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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