I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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