I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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