the condom got lost in my hair
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I want to be your penis for a week.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
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