You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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