Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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