the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
