the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
