You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
