I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
