We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
