When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
