Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I understand Curling. That high.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
