TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
