My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
