??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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