My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
