After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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